Category Archives: relationships

What women need……drum roll……

I know its been a while since I posted anything, but it seemed a bit silly to just write what men need and not have a post about what women need.
So I decided to go live among a colony of only women to get an idea as to what exactly goes on in there lives and minds (and then I woke up and realised it was a dream) ha ha ha, just kidding.

Rather than try and reinvent the wheel I got a young lady to explore and write her thoughts down. She is also a blogger and her blog can be found here. Also some of the post will be from other contributors too (also women). So brace yourself, this might be longer than normal (since women do talk more than men). Here Goes…

What Women need ( by a woman )

I hardly consider myself an expert on the subject and I believe we’re all learning and growing in this grace as we go along. Nonetheless, I am part of a circle of family and friends with many of whom I believe to be successful in relationships with the opposite sex – many having been married for numbers of years and still enjoying and very much in love with their partners (pple in their 40’s and 50’s married longer than 10 years holding hands and kissing boldly in malls). Included in my circle are younger people like myself who I consider to be wise.

Consequently I put together a post combining what I believe to be the essentials of what this topic includes with the help of some female friends and role models in my life. I hope you are encouraged, blessed and enriched and also challenged as you read it.

LOVE

So that’s a no-brainer…although it cannot be stressed enough. The trick here is linked to the beautiful contextual question: What does love look like?
Most of us are familiar with the concept of love languages and that each person has one or two love languages (or more). These love languages refer to ways in which they understand they are loved and are usually the same ways in which they communicate their love for others. I’d like to use an example from some people very close to me and their relationship and a quote from a dear friend and role model. When this couple got married – the husband initiated the following activity. He suggested that both of them write a list of ‘love-acts’ they understand and would enjoy or feel appreciated with. Amongst the things the lady wrote, there was I like to receive flowers, I like to receive small love letters in unexpected places, etc. Of course the husband also compiled his list and you can imagine the broad outline of it I’m sure..hehe. They still continue to fulfill each others desires and needs in this way to this day and have been happily married for 35 years – so there’s something to be said for open communication. Anyway, they had quite a literal approach and this isn’t particularly my style – though it is the principal of loving your partner in the way that they understand and feel appreciated by, which is beneficial.

The wife’s words were: As a woman, you need someone who makes you feel like a queen who will communicate with you on an emotional, spiritual and intellectual level, that will bring you flowers often and write you love letters, songs and poetry if he can, someone who often treats you to dinners (doesn’t have to be fancy, its the thought or personal touch that counts). Then you’re emotional tank will be full and it will also be easy for you to fulfill his needs. He must be a true companion that honors you in public, not embarrass you. He must be able to provide well and take the lead in the relationship and decisions, but with love.

End of part one

For today I will end it here and for the next 2 posts will continue the topic.
Oh and to clarify, love languages refers to a book that the guy explained that we all give and experience love according to a type of “language”. This is why sometimes people miss each other completely. We tend to give in the way we want to receive and not all people speak the same ” language”
Enough said.

Next post we shall continue

the Honest One

What men need……..

I have been toying around the idea of writing a post about what men need to look for in women….

I could not get to grips with writing it without creating a war with women. Its strictly for guys eyes only. And since the internet allows everyone to peruse info, and I am sure the ladies would read it either way.

So the only way I reckon it can work, is if the guys out there want that info, let me know via comments and I will email it to you. Should you take me up on the offer, well then keep it to your self hey, no need to let our secrets out of the bag.

Anyway that’s not what I chose to write the post about today. These days there is simply no shortage of books, articles, blogs about what men and women want. But upon reflection I realised………it was due to the current “me focused” culture that we have that big question. So far be it for me to add to the vast amounts of drivel in the wild west of relationship advice. I think the more pertinent question should be, “What do we need?”

Relationships seems to have denigrated into what we get out of them, and therefore we tend to look at what we want out of it. There is nothing wrong per say in wanting stuff. But I think the focus and initial thought should be, What do we bring into it?

Seems fairly minor hey, but it shifts the focus and responsibility. If I express what I need, it absolves the other person from having to provide it for me. When I want something, it demands it from the person the want is made known to.
Now that I got that cleared, since I am a man I wanted to express what I think men need…..

Respect
I cannot stress that enough. Men need to be respected for who they are. I suppose I should throw this one in here….most men know their failing areas. THEY DO NOT NEED IT SHOUTED OVER A LOUD HAILER.
****News flash****, no matter how one nags, it never produces the results desired or in the time frame desired. Bribe the man or use your clever wily ways rather, but nagging helps nothing at all.

Support
We appear strong and independent, but really we are in need of constant support. There is something that is switched on in a man, when he is supported by the woman in his life (I mean the genuine kind and not the support “because that is what you are supposed to do”)

Food er, um, er well we all know the other one hey (since this blog is kiddy friendly I won’t say it aloud…hint (yes it is the 3 letter word you thinking of right now)

He he he, I had to throw that one in there. Enough said

Belief Faith

We need people to believe us and in us. I cannot express how much it means to us when our dreams are believed and helped (especially by a wife/girlfriend/female friend). When its brought out in a way only a woman can…..

Love

I guess this is a foregone conclusion. But it depends on how love is expressed. Men need to know that people are there for them. We go to hilarious lengths to ensure that this exists in our lives. I will point out the ridiculous antics guys get up to and bets they make with other guys.

Conclusion

There is not much more to say other than there is no real secrets, mostly what you see is what you get (WYSIWYG) and what we say is generally what we mean. There are no “other meanings” behind what we say. When we go for coffee, we go drink coffee.
We are very simplistic beings and therefore I will not continue to drag out a topic that is explained in full already ha ha ha.

My aim here is for us to forget what “we want”. And to realise that we need to bring something to the table rather. And on that note I will leave you to ponder on this…..

I do however leave a space open for a woman to submit a “what women need” here. You can email it to me and I will post it for you or if you blog you can send me a link and I will send it out. Fair enough.

Because in relationships there are always 2 sides hey 🙂

***DISCLAIMER***When I say secrets in the early parts of the post, they refer to the stuff men know about women and not secrets that men have. The secrets that men know about women but will never let them know what it is that they know.

the Honest One

Women are from the East and men are from the west….

Today is a bit tongue in cheek, so please do not take offence.

This is an excerpt from the book Outliers, it is a conversation between an employee (Mr. Kim) and his boss, a division chief (Kwacang)

Kwacand : It’s cold and I’m hungry
(Meaning : Why don’t you buy a drink or something to eat?)

Mr. Kim : How about having a glass of liquor?
(Meaning : I will buy liquor for you.)

Kwacang : It’s okay. Don’t bother.
(Meaning : I will accept your offer if you repeat it.)

Mr. Kim : You must be hungry. How about going out?
(Meaning : I insist upon treating you)

Kwacang : Shall I do so?
(Meaning : I Accept)

That’s a strange conversation. But nevertheless its one that happens to be quite normal in a specific culture.

As the title states its an Asian culture. Most of Asia is receiver orientated when it comes to communication. meaning that it is up to the receiver to interpret what someone is saying to them.

Western culture has what we call a transmitter orientation. this means that the responsibility to communicate ideas clearly, are with the speaker.

Therefore my conclusion…. With regards to the slight communication gap between women and men…. Is that women have a receiver orientation and men a transmitter orientation….

What do you think?

thehonestone

What type of con are you?

We are all cons.

Now that I have your attention. Let me explain.

There are 2 types of cons in the world.

A Consumer

and a…….

A Contributor

I would go as far as to say that those 2 categories apply to all areas in life.
With regards to work, play, relationships, church, family, friends, love, etc…..

A consumer is someone who uses things to their own benefit. Which we all do to some degree. But what I am referring to is someone who this description seems to define them. They only look out for “numero uno” and even use people to get what they want.
They even walk into a relationship with someone to get something from them.

A contributor on the other hand is someone that brings something to the table. They do not expect others to “solve them”. They bring something to everything. In a relationship they know they have value and can add value.

Which are you?

thehonestone

When a 5 equals a 10……

I have to admit, I watch rom coms, its my flaw in life okay…………. I cannot help it that I like comedies and if it has the romantic touch it does not bother me.

But I watched “She’s out of my league” the other day. I told you I watched Rom Coms. It was hilarious, I was cracking myself up. Yes it was one of those movies where you can crack yourself up all on your own.

I will try and not spoil the movie for you in case you have not seen it yet. But basically an airport attendant manages to find himself involved with a girl that is really beautiful and career oriented (in his own estimation).

So he ends up at an ice hockey game on a double date, but at this stage he is completely unaware that it is a date. But what struck me about this part of the movie is that he was completely himself, until he realised that this was a date and the girl was interested in him.

Suddenly all the questions filled his mind, and the friends he had were not helping. They then applied the grading system assuming that she was a 10, then he must be a 5.

The rest of the movie is simply the guy grappling with his difficulty in accepting that she was wanting to be with him.

That’s not what i want to focus on really, but when he had no idea he was on a date. He was not too concerned about what she thought. It is this that I want to focus on. Why are we so concerned about what other people think?

Why suddenly, was this guy comparing and doing calculations and trying to solve the riddle.

I tend to be the same, when no one in particular cares what I am doing, I go about my business. Suddenly someone comes along and notices, suddenly I am wondering what they thinking.

But back to the movie, the very things that the guy feared came true and they broke it off. Let me not go further so as to at least maintain some sort of mystery in the movie.

But point being the very thing we fear tends to come true, not because it was meant to be so, but because we focus on it.
If we are told we are a “5” and start to believe it, and then focus on it and ponder, well we will become and start acting like that 5. When a “10” comes along we reason our way out of there.

So how does a 5 equal a 10?

Don’t make those comparisons. There are no “5”s and “10”s. There is only what you think of yourself and others. No one is forcing you there, we put ourselves there.

No one is out of your league, unless you think so……

thehonestone

The day my life changed….

It was 2004 close to the end of the year. An encounter weekend (for those who do not know what that is, it was a weekend where we dealt with our lives – past and so forth).

Anyway, it was after a session of teaching and we were all standing there while the song “Magnificent” was being sung. I was standing right in front, I remember it well. As we were in that ‘worship mode’ I heard the words “Step Forward”. Now I am not in the habit of making a fool of myself (in fact I would do everything to avoid being a fool). And I look around me to see if anyone was addressing me. I mean I was standing in front and all. If I step out of the line I will be noticed. Anyway after what seemed like a real long time, I decide okay what can go wrong if I do a small step forward.

I step and as I step its almost as if I went somewhere or connected to something. I cannot explain it, but I was in front of God (The Father) and I hear three words…..”I forgive you”.

Simple hey. Now I was a christian for about 6 years before then already. One would think that is elementary things and why on earth would God go to all that trouble to simply tell me those three words (I wonder that myself). But though it had meaning then, when I sit and think back on the things God said and did, well they have more meaning and depth to them now.

At that time, I had just broken up with a girl, and just before that a broken engagement with the previous women. My life was pretty much a mess. Lets just say that with a whole lot of other things made me realise the state of where I was in relation to ‘perfection’. Far, far, far away from perfection that is. I think at that stage I had just reasoned that that is what life must be.

So when God says to me I forgive you, its not just what I knew intellectually until then. We all know God forgives and that He loves us. I am talking about the real forgiveness experience. The fact that He knew everything that I had done and messed up in, and was saying son I know, but its okay. I want to be with you or rather I want you to be with me. And there is a marked difference from having it told to you rather than reading it.

I suppose I am one of those people that needs constant forgiveness. I always seem to put my foot into it in some way or another. I am what one would call an experiential learner.

Well when that happened I broke down, and at that time I don’t think I could handle it. But you know when I walked away from that weekend, my life had change, a real turning point. Up until then I don’t think I really experienced forgiveness. People have told me they forgive me, but you know the actions were not always reflective of that.

It set me free and at the same time at that very moment there was a familiar knowing of Him. It as if I could sense His ancientness (if there is such a word). Like I was connecting to the power source of the universe. I can’t accurately put the experience into words.

Since then I can’t say I have messed up any less times, I never walked out from that perfect either. I just walked out and still sometimes have to remind myself that its okay, He is okay with who and where I am. He knows, but still wants me to be there with Him.

Sometimes I forget that. I hope you will realise it too, my prayer is that people find that in God as well.

THO

the one

Do you believe that there is only one person out there for you?

I am speaking to the singles today (but the married people can comment if they want). So do you?

Well I guess the real question I should be asking you is…… Do you believe in free will or in predestination?

Sounds like a heavy question hey. Maybe it is, but we all relate to it daily whether knowingly or unknowingly. So…. back to the point.

If we say free will, well then it will be difficult to say that we believe that there is one person out there for you only. For Example, let’s say your “one ” person that you never met yet, decided to walk in the street one day and just happened to be knocked by a bus and got herself killed (and these things do happen simply because we have the evidence).
You as a man would be doomed to singleness but a single act that was not even made by you (unless you were the bus driver of course).
Where would that leave you, since she was the only one. Consolation would be of course if you went for 2nd best, but who wants second best.
So your options are either pray to the Lord to have her resurrected?
Or as a friend of mine said, the Lord will raise a new one (ridiculous as that sounds). But if this were the case, then it would not fit into the free will story completely, but I will not go there for now.

On a side note, there is one person out there for you (contradiction hey), but hear me out. His name is Jesus and you fit with Him perfectly….ha ha ha.
Corny, but true.

I think thats what we really mean when we go on our quest for “the one”. We want someone to complete us, fix us and make all the trouble go away. I am exaggerating here, but to prove the point, don’t you think? We would rather believe that than make a decision on our own and live with the consequences too.

So let’s say you married the “one” that God gave you and it goes horribly wrong, you then blame the one Who gave the person to you, won’t you?

Look, if you believe in predestination and not free will, then all this should not bother you, your one is on the way and you don’t really need to think further than that.

But if you do believe in free will, well then we sit with a dilemma in approaching “the one” theory.

I guess what it comes down to is that there are plenty people you could have a good relationship and marriage with, just make a good decision. The one person out there theory is a bit pie in the sky for me…..

I consider it a myth……

THO

T.T.T.

We have come to the end of the week and my last post for the week. I thought I would keep the best for last. Well my best thoughts about life at least, is what I mean.

You know the saying “at the end of our life, who will wish that they spent more time at the office, or more time doing projects,etc.”

Today T.T.T (Take The Time) We live such busy lives doing whatever, and simply trying to meet up with someone is sometimes impossible. We all declare “we don’t have time” But time itself is our greatest commodity. When you really think about it, time is all we really have. We do however get to decide how we spend it or invest it. As the week comes to an end, I have focussed on relationships this week, therefore when we look at what is really important in life we will realise that its our relationships with people that count.

I won’t speak for all, but for some thats the last thing we tend to think about. We spend more time trying to build things than build real relationships. Take the time, because you can, and spend it with the ones who are the real value to you.

You don’t have to wait till the end of your life to have this as a regret. I know I know, people will say, but I have to do this and this and that, I have car payments, I have a bond. And if you do please pay them. But they are not an excuse to not spend time with your children, with friends, family,etc. You decided to take the car and the bigger house, you don’t have to have the things. All I am asking is, are we spending the time wisely, and we do have a choice with our time and WE DO HAVE TIME….

Remember. Happiness is a good result from good choices, rather than a reason to make decisions. Have good weekend. Next week back to normal. It will once again be “Not so Daily”

THO

the prodigal you

We all know the story of the prodigal son I hope. And its a beautiful description of how the Father loves His children. Today however, I want us to focus on the son that left.

What did he feel or believe he was not getting at home? What made him leave? What did he feel he was missing out on? Are these the reasons he decided to leave?

So my question today is, are we a bit like that? I know we are because there are a lot of unhappy people out there. Never content with what’s in front of them. There is always something wrong with the person they are with, the people they work with. The problems with there environment. I am not saying be happy with mediocrity, no I mean finding fault with what is good for you.

You see the prodigal son could not realise what he had while he had it. He never knew the Love of his Father while he was with Him. He had to go through hell to realise that.

Do we have to go through hell to find out maybe that what is good for us is what we have already? Are we sometimes so focussed on the bigger better next thing that we never really get to grips and embrace what is good for us now.

On a side note I would like to point out that the son who remained never fully realised it too. He too never found the Father’s real love while living under his roof.

Clearly the problem was not the environment, it was an internal problem. And when there are those in your life, no matter where you go and who you go with, it always finds you.

So lets realise right now the good things and relationships we do have and celebrate that.
Lets stop “chasing the dream” and lets start living our life now.

THO

spanglish

I am not sure if most people watched this movie. If not, please do, its a really good one even though I know people are not into Adam Sandler movies. But I assure you its not one of his normal ones.

Anyway, basic plot of the movie is this well to do family need help. So they hire a woman who only really speaks spanish and this woman’s daughter gets to stay with her. Long story made short, the little girl gets to experience a life she never would of seen in normal days.

The little girl gets good clothes goes to a good school and basically loves every minute of it. For reasons I won’t go into now ( as I do not want to spoil the movie for you if you do plan on watching it ) the woman leaves and takes her daughter with her.

This is what I would like to focus on here today. As they leave the daughter writes the father of the house a touching letter as the father had grown really fond of her and the mother.
In the letter she thanks him (Adam) for every opportunity and really expresses her gratitude for all given to her. But she “will always and forever be ‘her mother’s daughter’ ”

And just here is where I want to stop and really ask ourselves. You see I always believed that it is really important to know who you belong to, who defines you.

If you don’t know that you will look for every opportunity in everything. I mean look at this little girl, walking away from what was clearly a “better life” for her.
Because she knew whose she was. Therefore it was easy to realise who knew best for her.

I for one could learn a lot from that hey. How about you?

THO

Posted by THO (TheHonestOne)