Category Archives: relationships

The End

As with all things in the world, everything must come to and end.

It was a niggling though in my head, but I have decided to close down thehonestone blog. Or should I say I will not be writing here anymore. In fact I have moved the posts to and they will live there from now simply because there is a lot of content and you are free to sift through it and read at your leisure.

bow

I want to say thank you for reading and interacting with me. I wish you all a happy new year and simply a note to believe that you can do what you need to do in life.

There comes a time when one just has to face the changes and stop trying to keep up with all things. I feel it is the right time to move on to things that are more real and engaging.

Feel free to connect with me in person over a coffee or lunch. Or simply if you want to chat.

I will be doing stuff over at The Fresh Space, but the site is not live yet and will take a while to get going.

It has been a fun and deeply enlightening experience writing my thoughts down and getting involved with some people through this medium.

Good bye for now.

Thank you

The Honest One

community is a……dancer…

Please watch this first if you can.

I am one of those people that always seem to have music around me in life. Be it listening as driving, while working on a pc or even while doing the events we normally do.
Life should have a sound track right?

I think music is a great catalyst, and we see that go both ways. Good and bad. I have also had the misfortune of being around dance my entire life. Just kidding, not sure whether it was good or bad, since I have 2 left feet and have never found freedom in dancing myself. My mother and sister did ballet though, so ever since I was able to remember anything I was dragged to Eisteddfods and this dance and that performance.
It never escaped me. When it came to churches they danced there too.

When I eventually started working, guess what? Dance followed me….. Contemporary, Jazz, abstract (this is by far the worse kind to work with).

I joined a theatre (what on earth was I thinking????) Ballet, abstract to the nth degree, contemporary, you name it it was all there.

But to the point of the video above. I wanted to point out that life is like a dance. And I have been a huge believer that community around us is made of strong individuals. And we see that in the video. The performance is one unit, but many individuals. Which is a lot like how life is meant to be lived.
We don’t see that dazed look on any of the dancers….. You know that look… The one that goes “what on earth is the next move?”

dancer

Now I promise you I have seen that before, Although I find it hilarious, its a massive distraction and very noticeable. When the performance is good, when they all practised and know their part and bring it on stage. If they have an issue they focus on the director. The person next to them cannot help, they do not see the whole picture. Look the person next to you can assist if you stumble or fall, but they cannot fix your problem if your steps are wrong.

Now I am not one to agree with Shakespeare, that all the world is a stage. But there are preparation phases and implementation phases. When one implements something it is similar to a perfomance.

What I would like you to see is, the reason for community break down and why we suffer the break down in communication and I can go on and on.
If you as an individual focused on your part and “practised”, the collective would be stronger. If you live your dream, and all the traumas that brings with it, the community around it benefits as well.

You see it clearly in a choreographed dance like in the video. If you have only one that is unsure it affects the whole.

Community life is very much like a dance. It takes a lot of strong individuals to make it a healthy one. So the big question is where to find these healthy communities?????

Very easy to answer, become a healthy individual and follow what is inside of you. I promise you the outside environment will change.

I see so many people looking for answers in all the wrong places. And here I include myself. I am not saying we should never seek advice, but to make your decisions solely up to the advice you get, is rather dangerous.

If one looks at celebrities that go broke, after having millions and millions at their disposal, they lost it. How????
They handed the decisions to other people. They did not keep in touch with what was their responsibility.

You want to fix the world around you, change yourself and you will see the world change in front of you.

the honest one

The Things we Love

Letting go is never easy……

It was about 2 and a half years ago. At that time I was about to enter a very disconcerting situation. It would be my 10th year at the theatre I was employed at. I was unsettled….
I had never been involved with anything for 10 years other than my family at that time.
Also due to the fact I had applied to move into sales and I was offered the job.

Conflicted……..confused…..a bit out of my comfort zone…. Will I succeed? Will I fail? I used to wake up in cold sweats hearing voices that I will be in financial ruin…..
I decided to take the leap. I left what was most certainly a stable job with all benefits, to a job with little certain future no benefits and a cut in pay.

Was I successful? Depends on who you ask ha ha ha. The company would say no (well at least the immediate result would be a fail since sales is about the now and now only). I lasted about a year there. I am now a free lance engineer and have my own company. Life is not easy, and had to make some tough choices and really had to let go of a few things in life.

Am I happier? Yes a thousand times yes. Do I stress? Yes a million times yes. But it took me a long time to get there, but I did it.

The art of living life, and it is an art, is about finding the real you.
Underneath all the crap that we get taught by either bad experiences or clueless people in our lives.

It is my opinion and observation in life that most of us are not doing what we really want to do. Or let me state it this way….most of us are not doing what we are meant to do.

Why not? Because of the things we love….. Now please do not go tossing out the people in your life (though a few not being there could help the cause). I digress, or progress however you may see it.

We love nice things in our lives, we like being able to buy flat screens,smart phones, cars, houses, clothes, perfume, music, movies, the list can go on.

My question is, how many things in life do we actually need? And what are we working towards? Are the things you love really holding you captive?

things we love

I watched a program once called hoarders. When they asked the one guy why he never threw stuff away. He held onto the thing in his hand hugging it saying “No one ever stays, they always leave”. We can so easily judge a hoarder, because we see what they live in. But most people hoard, and shy away from making decisions. We don’t let go so easily do we?
It’s sad to see and by this I include myself. I struggle to let go of the things I think I need/want that may not be good for me. And more than likely they are, but my intense grip of it sometimes causes the opposite effect that the things are intended for. We need to look up, away, forward, sometimes into the past. But let me not get away from the main point here.

We are meant to be and do great things in life. Yet when we look around, can we really say that is true in life. Its easier to live it via other people, they can sing, talk, run, live so much better than you right??

We are meant to live our purpose, but most of us have killed that inner voice that whispers your dream into your ear when its silent. We run away from silence and kill it with stuff, we kill it with the wrong crowd. With noise basically.
We put on that plaster of living a good life, having the bond, the car the kids, and we sooth ourselves with the idea that we can be okay in the doldrums of life. No ups or downs just calmness. We don’t really learn anything we just exist.

We learned early that chasing mountain tops don’t bode well for us, we therefore flattened it for ourselves, no mountains no valleys.

Hardship and troubles are needed…..

Without them we simply will never grow, but reducing them or removing them causes so much unseen damage. Well unseen in the sense that you may never know what life was really meant to be.
Its why concerts are full, church pews are over filled, companies have endless lists of employees eager to work for less than the current ones, why people are so unhappy with their jobs.

WE ARE WILLING TO BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE SOMEHOW BETTER THAN US.

They are not, they just decided not to settle for second best in their life. I cannot accept it anymore, the lies and excuses I hear on a daily basis. And that is what it is, excuses and blatant lies. You are not meant for a comfortable life, you are not meant to just coast by.

AND YES IT MEANS YOU, YOU not anyone else. They not reading here, you are.

My question again, is the things you love keeping you from the things you are really meant to be involved in.

What are the things you love……

Have I accomplished all I wanted to? No. I am working out the other things I want to do. But I wanted to press some buttons in your life.

Don’t settle for anything less than what you meant to be and do. If you do fail, fail forward.

Now finding your purpose, well that is a story for another day……

the honest one

The cost of freedom

Freedom we would assume to mean “free” from rules and limits and basically meaning we are able to do whatever we think we need to do.

After all we are free.
freedom

Now let me tell a story.

In the bible in acts 3, we see Peter and John walking to the temple and man that was lame all his life begged the 2 guys for money. We all know Peter and John’s response….. They said silver and gold we do not have, but what we have we give to you. They gave him healing and he got up and walked and was free of his disability.
Amazing, yay for Jesus.

Did you ever think about the healed man the next day? Now I am not diminishing the miracle, it was a miracle and it was amazing to the man. He could not disagree God had healed him and he was free and willing to talk to anyone about it.

But here is a guy that had been lame all his life and suddenly when all was said and done….. He had to work for a living now. He could not beg anymore (who really would support and feel sorry for a healthy person capable of working?)

Its now that we realise that being free has consequences. What do we do with ourselves? Yes he can walk, he can move around from place to place, but now he has to become a contributing member in society.

I think this is pretty much an issue we sit with in humanity. We want to be free, we want our own businesses, we want to follow our dreams…. We don’t want to have bosses, we…..

My question is, are you willing to pay the price for freedom. Freedom has a cost. It will cost you time and effort and dedication, commitment, sweat and tears.

Freedom does allow you to be able to do the things that you want to do, but its not automatic and there are rules/principles. E.G. If you want to be homeless and have no bills, you can. But if you want to live in a house and own it, then there are bills like electricity (when there is no load shedding), water, the bond, etc…. You get the point. Life is no different. The concept of freedom does not make you free. You have a part to play in using the freedom and working it in your favour.

Added to this, I don’t freedom is completely self indulgent. I believe that there should be at least some form of selflessness attached to the freedom we have/desire. Even from an early age if you are paying attention in life, you will realise that your life affects others. We cannot just think about ourselves, our friends, our families, our…. Which really is just an extension of mine, mine, mine……
We do not live in an isolated vacuum devoid of connecting to others.

We need to take ownership, you want to start a business…..good you can, but it will take work, research and committment. Faith and belief and generally will stress you out like no other, but its worth it in the long run.

Make it your mission in life to take responsibility and take ownership, even if you don’t own it now. Others are also depending on you.

the honest one

Audit on your words

We have become a very flippant society….

With regard to words I mean.

“Chat later”………. when we have no intention of chatting later.

“How are you”……. as we walk away from the person……

“I love you”….. but at the first sign of trouble we are out of there….

“We care for you”……….. But no one listens to you

“It is not about us”………… but every thing is about us.

“Yes I will”….. but you have no intention of complying with the agreement.

We don’t listen to ourselves anymore do we?

I struggle to give a yes to people, and I get accused of being a negative, grumpy person. All because I am one of those strange people that seems to think that my words count. If I say yes, then I need to follow that with an action.

Therefore my unwillingness to just throw an answer is not me being unhelpful, it is me calculating whether I can follow through on my promise.

Every end of the day I do an audit on my words (or promises). I do miss some of them, I am getting old now and my memory is not what it used to be. But I respond, reply, sms, email when I can and if the query warrants a response.

I cannot handle being left hanging and biting my nails for an answer on things, and therefore I do not want people on the other end of the line ever feeling that I am doing that to them.

I have also come to the conclusion in life that people say many things to each other, but ultimately they live and act what they really believe to be true. The old saying that “action speaks louder than words” is very true indeed.

But more so our actions really do actually reflect what we believe. You cannot say you love someone and never listen to them…never walk with them…never bear with them…. Of course it does depend on your definition of what love is, but I am sure you get what I am saying.

It seems so simple or insignificant when we dismiss these simple responses to people. To simply brush off the simple commitment we made to someone. No need to let them know. They will never take note.

But it is a slippery slope we get onto when we ignore the small slips. “It is the little foxes that destroy the vines”. Great falls never start as great slips. They are almost always a result of small little slips along the way, chipping away at your sanity and integrity.

Do an audit on your words, maybe not everyday. But start…..

If you have children, I think they will do it for you….. “But you said so daddy….”

The simplicity of keeping your word, maybe it will make you use less of them. Maybe just maybe it will improve the quality of your friendships.

“That guy/gal, they always come through for me”.

Do an audit on your words…… It will help everyone around you.

thehonestone

 

The fading glow….

It has been a while….. Seems like forever, therefore I reckon it is fitting to start with this post…..

Out of sight is out of mind is the general way we live. We have literally hundreds of things trying to grab our attention daily. And our time is limited and we plod along.

If I don’t see a person for a long time, I don’t specifically think about them. And I am sure if I asked you to recall from memory even the people you see every day, you would struggle.

I know I do. But what about the one’s we want to spend time with. How quickly we forget even their faces. We tend to remember people by our memory of them rather than the reality isn’t it. It is why face to face is always better.

To demonstrate this, it has been proven that in a live audio environment without training and discipline, that once you walk away from the one side to the other side you would have forgotten what the other side sounds like. Heavy hey….. you actually actively have to train yourself to do this.

Now that is just a simple example. What about life and relationships. What hope do we have with the people we care about?

I also find sometimes that listening is hard to do…. I often formulate my answers to the “questions” while the other person is talking.

Terrible hey. We struggle to focus and listen. Kudos to you if you have developed this in life.

I guess my point today is……….. it takes effort to listen and discipline and it takes focused effort and discipline to maintain quality relationships in life.

 

They are not automatic. And you can get automated systems to build up your twitter following and facebook likes and all that, but how many will stay once you start to share who you are?

At our weekly meeting I commented (yes I even do that in real life) when someone was reading the “Give us today our daily bread” yes “Give us our daily bread, not our monthly shopping”.

 

There is a wisdom in that. Give us only what we need for today so we can focus on now…

 

More Accurate Than an Atomic Watch

 

So we do not take the everyday things for granted….. the fading glow of the face to face….

thehonestone

 

 

I’m bringing poke back….

Facebookpoke

You remember the poke? I must confess I am using it again and its quite addictive. And no there is no deeper meaning in this post today, or serious stuff other than some reminiscing or even some resurrection of an older feature of facebook.

Or maybe it annoys you

poke

You have to admit though its a good feature, when you have no words, thoughts or energy, a poke is all it takes whatever it may mean to you….

thehonestone

You will be disappointed……

At some point in life we all deal with disappointment. It is inevitable. You will, there is no escaping it. I was thinking about it the other day and trying to analyse it and see if there is a way to reduce or eliminate the negative side (because that is what I do all day….try to avoid all the pain in life ha ha ha).

Anyway getting back to my point. the best part about disappointment is what we almost never focus on. The fact that in order to be disappointed you actually have to have a hope for something better than what occurred.
I think we all hope for something better (the intrinsic you I mean). We know deep down that this is not all there is.

Look I am not saying we should live in a bubble and in fairy land…..but life as we know it now is not what it is meant to be. So for now I think that element of being disappointed is always going to be around.

I guess its how you manage it or deal with the people around you that will determine the outcome of it.

But here are a few pointers to minimize the after effects :

– Most people think of themselves and therefore you will not be high on their list of considerations. Therefore assume that as a given and you will not be too disappointed when they fail your expectation of them. And people will fail you

– That said, we get most disappointed when our expectation of the outcome we forecast (in our heads of course) does not line up with the reality. Solution, try not to forecast….. Seems so simple to say, but it is possible. I am not saying be a pessimist (although its so much fun being one since I am a pro at it). I am saying when it comes to expecting from people, live in the moment and be surprised by the outcome.

– Stop expecting people to be what you not…..and yes this deserves some introspection.

– People assume many things about many things and you, so why would you expect people to “know you” if most people don’t bother find out the truth anyway.

So all this is doable when dealing with humans, but what about God. He is perfect and does not suffer our failings, yet more people are disappointed in God (even the ones that don’t necessarily believe He exists). And we think we have it tough.

I will only venture one suggestion (IMHO). Most people don’t really know Him. So its almost impossible to not be disappointed when you have no idea what to expect (since you do not know Him). Also God’s P.R. officers (christians) have largely done a terrible job of representing Him.

Most of what is presented today is not true of Him, so disappointment in God is rife and rather unfairly so. Its normal for people to be disappointed, that’s okay, but at least let it be because you know the real person and work through it.

Enough said for today.

the Honest One

What women need…part 3

Here is the next one with a slightly different slant contributed by another young lady Heide, who refuses to start a blog. He he he no pressure at all hey…..

Safety
I think women need to know what creates safety for them. If a woman thinks it is money and an extremely handsome looking fella, then she must go find herself that man. I, however think it takes more than good looks and money (which by the way can easily disappear). The safety a woman needs, is a man settled in him and allowing the women to support him. Allowing her to be part of him. Are we not ultimately designed to be a man’s supporter? We come alongside a man and slot in with him. Therefore we need men that know who they are and what they are about. A man does not need to have everything figured out and have no failing areas. All I’m saying is that it is very easy to respect and support a man who knows himself and who is not easily tossed around by circumstances. Please don’t get me wrong, by this I do not mean a man is never allowed to hit a wobbly patch. In these times a woman needs to know that you trust her enough so that you can work through it together. You take the bad with the good.

It sort of looks to me trust=safety

Communication
So I already mentioned this. It is so important that a woman knows she is heard. This means granted the opportunity to speak to an attentive listener. Mostly problems miraculously disappear without fixing it if a man is truly in the conversation. I suppose good communication leads to the possibility of being understood. This means the world to a woman, that a man actually makes the effort of figuring her out.

Expressed appreciation
Women need to know that they are actually getting it right in supporting a man. A woman needs to know that a man sees the beauty in her and how she lives it out. The way it is expressed would look different for every woman.

Conclusion

I had no part in the description and I have copied it verbatim (barring of course certain greetings and so forth) Also a guy friend of mine said that he knows women to inherently want to improve their environment and this means they often want to change things> Men don’t always see it as improvement though and tend to think they want to change them. I don’t know hey, I suspect the ladies will comment and correct us here.

My thoughts, though I have many, I will only say this. I don’t think we can always have point forms in life about life. Sometimes we give and take more than we should.
But hey that’s life hey, it happens whether we ready or not.

Hope to check out your comments….

the Honest One

p.s this is the last time I give over the blog to women, shoo 3 posts on the same topic :)…..ha ha ha just kidding ladies, you are all welcome to write a guest blog post hey….let me know…

What women need…part 2

Here we start the second part today (with one more left in this series)

Here we go, Leaan Delport part 2, in case you never checked out her blog you can find it here. I will step aside and just continue the post…

TO BE CHERISHED

So this is close to Love, but to be cherished is something deep and profound that is comes across in a man’s demeanour and way towards his girlfriend/wife. It comes across in the “small things” – possibly opening the door for a lady to walk first, the gentlemanly stuff you know, or making the effort to listen to the fine-print in her tone of voice to understand her and love her the way she desires to be loved. To us, these are HUGE things, not small at all. If your intentions are pure and you pay attention to this advice, you should have no problem having a humble, compliant and supportive lady at your side, permitted she is open to be loved. Love makes a lady supportive – that’s just how it works. A woman reflects a man’s way toward her wherever she goes.

TO BE AND FEEL SECURE

When a woman says “yes” to any form of romantic relationship, she is saying “yes, I will let you love me and lead me, I will trust you with my heart”. This is a daunting thing. Areas she would’ve managed or tried to manage herself in her life now becomes open to his leadership and way. This is something that needs to be realized and handled with care on the male’s side; this privilege is to be cherished. Please NEVER take a woman’s trust in you for granted. Treat it carefully, treat her trust and belief in you like a precious jewel, keep it safe, honor her. Commitment from the male towards her is one thing that adds to the security she feels in the relationship. Providing (though this is not summed up in finances these days like in the past, it’s more a state of being, providing as a male figure in things only the male figure can – leadership, decision-making awareness, responsibility for his actions (or for the family possibly), etc. A woman needs to feel cared for and feels secure when she knows she is cared for, this is affirmed by a male’s actions and words towards her in this regard. Feeling secure comes in during those times when there are challenges from outside the relationship and the lady has trusted you with the main leadership aspect. It is important to talk about such things, communicate mutual fears and comfort and encourage each other (be a team). This makes her (and you also) feel secure in the face of adversity. Neglecting to communicate at such times is often to the detriment of many relationships.

I hope I have communicated some of the essentials of what women need appropriately.

(End of part two)

As always please comment.

the Honest One