Category Archives: Men and Women

The Things we Love

Letting go is never easy……

It was about 2 and a half years ago. At that time I was about to enter a very disconcerting situation. It would be my 10th year at the theatre I was employed at. I was unsettled….
I had never been involved with anything for 10 years other than my family at that time.
Also due to the fact I had applied to move into sales and I was offered the job.

Conflicted……..confused…..a bit out of my comfort zone…. Will I succeed? Will I fail? I used to wake up in cold sweats hearing voices that I will be in financial ruin…..
I decided to take the leap. I left what was most certainly a stable job with all benefits, to a job with little certain future no benefits and a cut in pay.

Was I successful? Depends on who you ask ha ha ha. The company would say no (well at least the immediate result would be a fail since sales is about the now and now only). I lasted about a year there. I am now a free lance engineer and have my own company. Life is not easy, and had to make some tough choices and really had to let go of a few things in life.

Am I happier? Yes a thousand times yes. Do I stress? Yes a million times yes. But it took me a long time to get there, but I did it.

The art of living life, and it is an art, is about finding the real you.
Underneath all the crap that we get taught by either bad experiences or clueless people in our lives.

It is my opinion and observation in life that most of us are not doing what we really want to do. Or let me state it this way….most of us are not doing what we are meant to do.

Why not? Because of the things we love….. Now please do not go tossing out the people in your life (though a few not being there could help the cause). I digress, or progress however you may see it.

We love nice things in our lives, we like being able to buy flat screens,smart phones, cars, houses, clothes, perfume, music, movies, the list can go on.

My question is, how many things in life do we actually need? And what are we working towards? Are the things you love really holding you captive?

things we love

I watched a program once called hoarders. When they asked the one guy why he never threw stuff away. He held onto the thing in his hand hugging it saying “No one ever stays, they always leave”. We can so easily judge a hoarder, because we see what they live in. But most people hoard, and shy away from making decisions. We don’t let go so easily do we?
It’s sad to see and by this I include myself. I struggle to let go of the things I think I need/want that may not be good for me. And more than likely they are, but my intense grip of it sometimes causes the opposite effect that the things are intended for. We need to look up, away, forward, sometimes into the past. But let me not get away from the main point here.

We are meant to be and do great things in life. Yet when we look around, can we really say that is true in life. Its easier to live it via other people, they can sing, talk, run, live so much better than you right??

We are meant to live our purpose, but most of us have killed that inner voice that whispers your dream into your ear when its silent. We run away from silence and kill it with stuff, we kill it with the wrong crowd. With noise basically.
We put on that plaster of living a good life, having the bond, the car the kids, and we sooth ourselves with the idea that we can be okay in the doldrums of life. No ups or downs just calmness. We don’t really learn anything we just exist.

We learned early that chasing mountain tops don’t bode well for us, we therefore flattened it for ourselves, no mountains no valleys.

Hardship and troubles are needed…..

Without them we simply will never grow, but reducing them or removing them causes so much unseen damage. Well unseen in the sense that you may never know what life was really meant to be.
Its why concerts are full, church pews are over filled, companies have endless lists of employees eager to work for less than the current ones, why people are so unhappy with their jobs.

WE ARE WILLING TO BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE SOMEHOW BETTER THAN US.

They are not, they just decided not to settle for second best in their life. I cannot accept it anymore, the lies and excuses I hear on a daily basis. And that is what it is, excuses and blatant lies. You are not meant for a comfortable life, you are not meant to just coast by.

AND YES IT MEANS YOU, YOU not anyone else. They not reading here, you are.

My question again, is the things you love keeping you from the things you are really meant to be involved in.

What are the things you love……

Have I accomplished all I wanted to? No. I am working out the other things I want to do. But I wanted to press some buttons in your life.

Don’t settle for anything less than what you meant to be and do. If you do fail, fail forward.

Now finding your purpose, well that is a story for another day……

the honest one

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Audit on your words

We have become a very flippant society….

With regard to words I mean.

“Chat later”………. when we have no intention of chatting later.

“How are you”……. as we walk away from the person……

“I love you”….. but at the first sign of trouble we are out of there….

“We care for you”……….. But no one listens to you

“It is not about us”………… but every thing is about us.

“Yes I will”….. but you have no intention of complying with the agreement.

We don’t listen to ourselves anymore do we?

I struggle to give a yes to people, and I get accused of being a negative, grumpy person. All because I am one of those strange people that seems to think that my words count. If I say yes, then I need to follow that with an action.

Therefore my unwillingness to just throw an answer is not me being unhelpful, it is me calculating whether I can follow through on my promise.

Every end of the day I do an audit on my words (or promises). I do miss some of them, I am getting old now and my memory is not what it used to be. But I respond, reply, sms, email when I can and if the query warrants a response.

I cannot handle being left hanging and biting my nails for an answer on things, and therefore I do not want people on the other end of the line ever feeling that I am doing that to them.

I have also come to the conclusion in life that people say many things to each other, but ultimately they live and act what they really believe to be true. The old saying that “action speaks louder than words” is very true indeed.

But more so our actions really do actually reflect what we believe. You cannot say you love someone and never listen to them…never walk with them…never bear with them…. Of course it does depend on your definition of what love is, but I am sure you get what I am saying.

It seems so simple or insignificant when we dismiss these simple responses to people. To simply brush off the simple commitment we made to someone. No need to let them know. They will never take note.

But it is a slippery slope we get onto when we ignore the small slips. “It is the little foxes that destroy the vines”. Great falls never start as great slips. They are almost always a result of small little slips along the way, chipping away at your sanity and integrity.

Do an audit on your words, maybe not everyday. But start…..

If you have children, I think they will do it for you….. “But you said so daddy….”

The simplicity of keeping your word, maybe it will make you use less of them. Maybe just maybe it will improve the quality of your friendships.

“That guy/gal, they always come through for me”.

Do an audit on your words…… It will help everyone around you.

thehonestone

 

What women need…part 3

Here is the next one with a slightly different slant contributed by another young lady Heide, who refuses to start a blog. He he he no pressure at all hey…..

Safety
I think women need to know what creates safety for them. If a woman thinks it is money and an extremely handsome looking fella, then she must go find herself that man. I, however think it takes more than good looks and money (which by the way can easily disappear). The safety a woman needs, is a man settled in him and allowing the women to support him. Allowing her to be part of him. Are we not ultimately designed to be a man’s supporter? We come alongside a man and slot in with him. Therefore we need men that know who they are and what they are about. A man does not need to have everything figured out and have no failing areas. All I’m saying is that it is very easy to respect and support a man who knows himself and who is not easily tossed around by circumstances. Please don’t get me wrong, by this I do not mean a man is never allowed to hit a wobbly patch. In these times a woman needs to know that you trust her enough so that you can work through it together. You take the bad with the good.

It sort of looks to me trust=safety

Communication
So I already mentioned this. It is so important that a woman knows she is heard. This means granted the opportunity to speak to an attentive listener. Mostly problems miraculously disappear without fixing it if a man is truly in the conversation. I suppose good communication leads to the possibility of being understood. This means the world to a woman, that a man actually makes the effort of figuring her out.

Expressed appreciation
Women need to know that they are actually getting it right in supporting a man. A woman needs to know that a man sees the beauty in her and how she lives it out. The way it is expressed would look different for every woman.

Conclusion

I had no part in the description and I have copied it verbatim (barring of course certain greetings and so forth) Also a guy friend of mine said that he knows women to inherently want to improve their environment and this means they often want to change things> Men don’t always see it as improvement though and tend to think they want to change them. I don’t know hey, I suspect the ladies will comment and correct us here.

My thoughts, though I have many, I will only say this. I don’t think we can always have point forms in life about life. Sometimes we give and take more than we should.
But hey that’s life hey, it happens whether we ready or not.

Hope to check out your comments….

the Honest One

p.s this is the last time I give over the blog to women, shoo 3 posts on the same topic :)…..ha ha ha just kidding ladies, you are all welcome to write a guest blog post hey….let me know…

What women need…part 2

Here we start the second part today (with one more left in this series)

Here we go, Leaan Delport part 2, in case you never checked out her blog you can find it here. I will step aside and just continue the post…

TO BE CHERISHED

So this is close to Love, but to be cherished is something deep and profound that is comes across in a man’s demeanour and way towards his girlfriend/wife. It comes across in the “small things” – possibly opening the door for a lady to walk first, the gentlemanly stuff you know, or making the effort to listen to the fine-print in her tone of voice to understand her and love her the way she desires to be loved. To us, these are HUGE things, not small at all. If your intentions are pure and you pay attention to this advice, you should have no problem having a humble, compliant and supportive lady at your side, permitted she is open to be loved. Love makes a lady supportive – that’s just how it works. A woman reflects a man’s way toward her wherever she goes.

TO BE AND FEEL SECURE

When a woman says “yes” to any form of romantic relationship, she is saying “yes, I will let you love me and lead me, I will trust you with my heart”. This is a daunting thing. Areas she would’ve managed or tried to manage herself in her life now becomes open to his leadership and way. This is something that needs to be realized and handled with care on the male’s side; this privilege is to be cherished. Please NEVER take a woman’s trust in you for granted. Treat it carefully, treat her trust and belief in you like a precious jewel, keep it safe, honor her. Commitment from the male towards her is one thing that adds to the security she feels in the relationship. Providing (though this is not summed up in finances these days like in the past, it’s more a state of being, providing as a male figure in things only the male figure can – leadership, decision-making awareness, responsibility for his actions (or for the family possibly), etc. A woman needs to feel cared for and feels secure when she knows she is cared for, this is affirmed by a male’s actions and words towards her in this regard. Feeling secure comes in during those times when there are challenges from outside the relationship and the lady has trusted you with the main leadership aspect. It is important to talk about such things, communicate mutual fears and comfort and encourage each other (be a team). This makes her (and you also) feel secure in the face of adversity. Neglecting to communicate at such times is often to the detriment of many relationships.

I hope I have communicated some of the essentials of what women need appropriately.

(End of part two)

As always please comment.

the Honest One

What women need……drum roll……

I know its been a while since I posted anything, but it seemed a bit silly to just write what men need and not have a post about what women need.
So I decided to go live among a colony of only women to get an idea as to what exactly goes on in there lives and minds (and then I woke up and realised it was a dream) ha ha ha, just kidding.

Rather than try and reinvent the wheel I got a young lady to explore and write her thoughts down. She is also a blogger and her blog can be found here. Also some of the post will be from other contributors too (also women). So brace yourself, this might be longer than normal (since women do talk more than men). Here Goes…

What Women need ( by a woman )

I hardly consider myself an expert on the subject and I believe we’re all learning and growing in this grace as we go along. Nonetheless, I am part of a circle of family and friends with many of whom I believe to be successful in relationships with the opposite sex – many having been married for numbers of years and still enjoying and very much in love with their partners (pple in their 40’s and 50’s married longer than 10 years holding hands and kissing boldly in malls). Included in my circle are younger people like myself who I consider to be wise.

Consequently I put together a post combining what I believe to be the essentials of what this topic includes with the help of some female friends and role models in my life. I hope you are encouraged, blessed and enriched and also challenged as you read it.

LOVE

So that’s a no-brainer…although it cannot be stressed enough. The trick here is linked to the beautiful contextual question: What does love look like?
Most of us are familiar with the concept of love languages and that each person has one or two love languages (or more). These love languages refer to ways in which they understand they are loved and are usually the same ways in which they communicate their love for others. I’d like to use an example from some people very close to me and their relationship and a quote from a dear friend and role model. When this couple got married – the husband initiated the following activity. He suggested that both of them write a list of ‘love-acts’ they understand and would enjoy or feel appreciated with. Amongst the things the lady wrote, there was I like to receive flowers, I like to receive small love letters in unexpected places, etc. Of course the husband also compiled his list and you can imagine the broad outline of it I’m sure..hehe. They still continue to fulfill each others desires and needs in this way to this day and have been happily married for 35 years – so there’s something to be said for open communication. Anyway, they had quite a literal approach and this isn’t particularly my style – though it is the principal of loving your partner in the way that they understand and feel appreciated by, which is beneficial.

The wife’s words were: As a woman, you need someone who makes you feel like a queen who will communicate with you on an emotional, spiritual and intellectual level, that will bring you flowers often and write you love letters, songs and poetry if he can, someone who often treats you to dinners (doesn’t have to be fancy, its the thought or personal touch that counts). Then you’re emotional tank will be full and it will also be easy for you to fulfill his needs. He must be a true companion that honors you in public, not embarrass you. He must be able to provide well and take the lead in the relationship and decisions, but with love.

End of part one

For today I will end it here and for the next 2 posts will continue the topic.
Oh and to clarify, love languages refers to a book that the guy explained that we all give and experience love according to a type of “language”. This is why sometimes people miss each other completely. We tend to give in the way we want to receive and not all people speak the same ” language”
Enough said.

Next post we shall continue

the Honest One

What men need……..

I have been toying around the idea of writing a post about what men need to look for in women….

I could not get to grips with writing it without creating a war with women. Its strictly for guys eyes only. And since the internet allows everyone to peruse info, and I am sure the ladies would read it either way.

So the only way I reckon it can work, is if the guys out there want that info, let me know via comments and I will email it to you. Should you take me up on the offer, well then keep it to your self hey, no need to let our secrets out of the bag.

Anyway that’s not what I chose to write the post about today. These days there is simply no shortage of books, articles, blogs about what men and women want. But upon reflection I realised………it was due to the current “me focused” culture that we have that big question. So far be it for me to add to the vast amounts of drivel in the wild west of relationship advice. I think the more pertinent question should be, “What do we need?”

Relationships seems to have denigrated into what we get out of them, and therefore we tend to look at what we want out of it. There is nothing wrong per say in wanting stuff. But I think the focus and initial thought should be, What do we bring into it?

Seems fairly minor hey, but it shifts the focus and responsibility. If I express what I need, it absolves the other person from having to provide it for me. When I want something, it demands it from the person the want is made known to.
Now that I got that cleared, since I am a man I wanted to express what I think men need…..

Respect
I cannot stress that enough. Men need to be respected for who they are. I suppose I should throw this one in here….most men know their failing areas. THEY DO NOT NEED IT SHOUTED OVER A LOUD HAILER.
****News flash****, no matter how one nags, it never produces the results desired or in the time frame desired. Bribe the man or use your clever wily ways rather, but nagging helps nothing at all.

Support
We appear strong and independent, but really we are in need of constant support. There is something that is switched on in a man, when he is supported by the woman in his life (I mean the genuine kind and not the support “because that is what you are supposed to do”)

Food er, um, er well we all know the other one hey (since this blog is kiddy friendly I won’t say it aloud…hint (yes it is the 3 letter word you thinking of right now)

He he he, I had to throw that one in there. Enough said

Belief Faith

We need people to believe us and in us. I cannot express how much it means to us when our dreams are believed and helped (especially by a wife/girlfriend/female friend). When its brought out in a way only a woman can…..

Love

I guess this is a foregone conclusion. But it depends on how love is expressed. Men need to know that people are there for them. We go to hilarious lengths to ensure that this exists in our lives. I will point out the ridiculous antics guys get up to and bets they make with other guys.

Conclusion

There is not much more to say other than there is no real secrets, mostly what you see is what you get (WYSIWYG) and what we say is generally what we mean. There are no “other meanings” behind what we say. When we go for coffee, we go drink coffee.
We are very simplistic beings and therefore I will not continue to drag out a topic that is explained in full already ha ha ha.

My aim here is for us to forget what “we want”. And to realise that we need to bring something to the table rather. And on that note I will leave you to ponder on this…..

I do however leave a space open for a woman to submit a “what women need” here. You can email it to me and I will post it for you or if you blog you can send me a link and I will send it out. Fair enough.

Because in relationships there are always 2 sides hey 🙂

***DISCLAIMER***When I say secrets in the early parts of the post, they refer to the stuff men know about women and not secrets that men have. The secrets that men know about women but will never let them know what it is that they know.

the Honest One

The Ocean

The ocean can really be a foreboding place. Its sheer enormity and mystery has kept humanity in awe for many centuries. One cannot but acknowledge that you simply cannot mess with the ocean in a willy nilly fashion.

On a side note I do believe that a few hundred years ago, at the annual council of sharks the sharks started to complain that food was getting difficult to catch because they spent too many hours searching for it. They voted and decided to create beaches, and they would send a vision (yes they could do that) to some poor fool smoking some weed and teach him to surf. Poor fool fell for it and problem solved. Easy food for sharks. It took time, but silly people they really think its fun still. Ha ha ha just kidding hey. Just pulling the surfers legs (or is it the sharks pulling your legs) ha ha ha ha I am going to stop I promise.

Anyway, back to what I meant to talk about. That even the ocean with its mystery and depth has a beach that is shallow. And since even some depths of the ocean will probably never be seen, we can still enjoy the ocean at least on a surface level. To go deeper means we need specific tools and training.

Which made me think….. Its pretty much like life hey. All of us have really deep parts to us, but when we meet people first we tend to present our “beach”. Which is good. Its not good to delve into the depths without knowing the surface and what it entails.

So why am I talking about this? Relationships are sometimes difficult and hard work. Maybe its because we try too early to go to the deep side without the tools (maturity, emotional IQ, respect, love).

And coming to think of it the ocean tends to reflect God too.

I mean God has depth and mystery (most of which we will not know) yet even God has the “beach” that makes Him knowable to us. And as we grow and develop we get to go deeper.
So yes even God made a place for surfers….

the Honest One